


Look in the Mirror (and tell me who you are)

by Skk



Category: Kim Possible (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Sex, Kim is just tired, Post-Canon, Post-Invasion, Ron is a hero, Self-Reflection, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:48:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29290119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skk/pseuds/Skk
Summary: After the Lorwardian invasion, Global Justice trains Ron to master his mystical monkey powers. He becomes their top agent, and Kim isn't needed on missions anymore. Isn't needed by anyone, really. So what does she do?
Relationships: Kim Possible/Ron Stoppable, Kim Possible/Shego, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> This is a version of Kim that I've had in my head for a little while. Probably not going to write a full story about it, but I kinda wanted to see how this would play out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has exactly 0 plot and is just Kim reflecting on what's happened since the Lorwardian invasion and who she's become since then

Sometimes, Kim tries to imagine what her fourteen-year-old self would think of her now. Before graduation, it would’ve been an easy answer. Back then, she was a cheerleader, a hero, a girl who could do anything. She loved her boyfriend and saved the world with him — even if he frequently lost his pants, and sometimes let the villains get away. She was, she now knows, a typical high school overachiever who saved the world on the side. Her fourteen year old self would have been proud.

Then, after graduation… _Ron_ was the hero for once. He destroyed the aliens, and saved her from becoming a _trophy._ It was a lot to process, but she was mostly just impressed, and proud of him. After that, she wanted them to keep saving the world together, but GJ had seen what he could do, and they wanted him. They hired some “magic experts” (since when is that even a thing?) to help him master his powers, and Kim kept doing what she’d always done.

It just made sense for them to get an apartment near GJ HQ. Actually, Ron got the apartment because he was getting paid and she was still working for free, but it still felt like theirs, at least at first. Then Ron mastered his powers and Kim got pushed to the side. She was so used to him being the bumbling sidekick, and she resented him for overshadowing her so quickly. They stopped calling her in on missions, but Ron still asked for her to come at first. Not anymore though. He never says it, but he thinks she’d only slow him down. That hurts, because she never treated him like that, even when he was barely able to keep his pants on, and there are still so many ways she could help.

But Dr. Director doesn’t want her to go, and Ron will do anything for attention. Kim saw that in high school, when he got a muscle ring or wore his hair slicked back or became rich overnight. But that was all mostly harmless, even if it was a little annoying. Okay, a lot annoying — but still, not like this. If he does what GJ asks, they praise him, and put him up on some kind of _pedestal,_ and he basks in the attention. If Dr. Director asked him to kiss her boots, he’d probably do it without hesitating.

He’s so focused on being a good soldier now. He follows their orders without question, even things he would've refused when all this started. Even running missions without her. Even killing people. Kim knows it, even if he doesn’t talk about it. One time, she tried to bring it up and he just shrugged and said that it was for the greater good. And she _knows_ that, but she hates that it doesn’t even bother him. She can usually tell when Ron is lying, and he wasn’t lying when he said that. She hates that he can kill people without caring, and she hates that she’s being left behind.

Somehow, she convinced herself that it was going to stop. That she would be called in again soon. And then everyone else left for college and Ron started to spend more and more time at GJ and Kim…well, Kim didn’t do anything. Still doesn’t, as far as Ron knows. She just lives in his space, using his money, like some kind of _leech_.

That doesn’t mean she stopped going out on missions. These missions, they don’t come through her site or Wade or even GJ. They’re all people she helped before, when she was still a hero. They don’t have anyone to turn to now, so they call her. And she does what she can but…she’s just one person. She’s still a teenager. She’s not even a hero anymore. But she made miracles happen before and now they’re expecting it again and she can’t do it. She can’t.

Compared to the rest of the world, Middleton was barely damaged by the Lorwardians. The robots arrived, grabbed Drakken and Kim, and pretty much left everyone else alone, as long as no one aggravated them. But elsewhere, it was total destruction. Entire cities were destroyed in minutes. Helping these people…it’s rewarding, but it’s also depressing. She sees the broken bodies and the huge groups of people living in tents, because the government had to choose between repairing the trains and repairing the homes, and decided the trains were the greater good. Kim doesn’t know if it’s true, but she doesn’t know if fixing the homes would be better either. The obvious answer would be to give half the money to each, but then there wouldn’t be enough to fix either; it all has to go to one or the other. So people live in cities made of tents and hope they’ll be able to commute to work soon. And that’s why homes wouldn’t help either, because what’s the point of having a house to live in if people can’t get to their jobs? If they can’t make money, they’ll just watch their kids starve at home.

Ron doesn’t get it. He fights _big evil_ and throws it in jail and pats himself on the back for saving the whole damn planet. And if Kim tries to talk about the people who got trapped in rubble — well, the government is just doing the best they can and she shouldn’t complain. He’s killing people, but she’s suffering more.

She used to be like that too. She thought she was solving everyone’s problems by stopping villains from taking over the world. And of course she was, when she got rid of some of those rays of doom, the ones that were going to drain all the oxygen from the atmosphere or cover entire states in cheese. But most of it wasn't really that dangerous. And she’s seen a lot of people who would gladly accept mind control if it meant their kids could eat.

Sometimes she wonders if she fucked up. If maybe it would’ve been better to just let one person take over and do all the thinking. Then she has to stop and remind herself that _no_ , that would’ve been a terrible idea. She couldn’t just sell out everyone’s minds like that. People need to think on their own, solve their own problems.

But there are days when she remembers Drakken’s mind control chip and how gloriously empty her mind was, and she thinks she would do anything to feel like that again.

On nights when Ron is working overnight — which is a lot recently — she gets drunk off the alcohol she’s not supposed to have — after all, she’s still not twenty one. But people share with her. Not just alcohol, so she has a stash of drugs in her room that she hasn’t touched. She’s not sure what she’ll do with them. Maybe throw them out. Maybe OD when she knows Ron won’t be home for at least a day. Probably not. But she’s thought about it.

But that’s why she has the alcohol. So when she feels all numb and empty, she can just blame it on the drink. She tries sometimes, to feel something. She goes out to clubs where everyone is wild with the music and she dances with people and she lets their hands touch her way more than she should, but she’s pretty sure Ron is sleeping with someone at GJ so why the fuck does it matter what she does anyway.

She thinks about telling him, she really does. Especially on nights when he’s careful and gentle with her and whispers _I love you_ against her skin, and on those nights she believes that this is how her life would have been if the Lorwardians hadn’t attacked. And in those moments, she can’t stand to ruin it with her guilt. She’s not actually having sex with anyone. She’s just…not pushing their hands away when she should. And if she sometimes enjoys their touch just a little, well, it’s not like she really feels anything anyway. Even when she pictures Ron with some girl in a bunk in GJ, it’s all just hollow.

A few times a week, she takes out the drugs in her room and stares at them, trying to figure out if they would make her feel something. But she always puts them away. She can handle getting drunk every few days. Or at least, she tells herself that it’s true, because the word _alcoholic_ isn’t in her vocabulary, even if her tolerance has gone through the roof and she feels even worse when she doesn’t drink. But drugs would be a whole separate mess, and she doesn’t want to deal with addiction. She always thought she’d be too strong to give in to that sort of thing, but she doesn’t think that anymore. She thinks she’d take anything to get rid of this emptiness.

Sometimes, when she wants to OD, it’s not just a passing thought. Sometimes, she thinks about exactly how much she would take, and of what. She tries to figure out if she would leave a note. But she always puts the drugs away. If she takes them, who will help the people in the broken cities? She’s the only one helping now, and even if it’s not much, it’s still more than anyone else is doing. If she dies, they’ll be all alone again.

This is her now. She just lives off her boyfriend’s money. When she goes out, she doesn’t save the world. She doesn’t even save the people she’s helping, not really. She drinks too much and she lets strangers touch her just because they might let her _feel_. And when she’s not doing those things, when she’s not fucking up everything she touches, she plans how to kill herself.

Her fourteen year old self would be disgusted with her. Kim wants to hate that fact. She tries to hate it. But hate is such a strong emotion, and she’s too tired to feel it anymore.


	2. Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually has her interact with people...so a slight improvement over the last one I guess?

Kim isn’t sure why she’s at this fancy ass party _again_. She almost threw out the invitation when it came, and she doesn’t want to be here anyway, but it’s something to do at least. Ron said he’d meet her here, but it’s been an hour and he’s still not here. Probably got caught late at GJ or something. She could ask about it when he gets here, but it would be pointless. Half the time it’s something classified, something too sensitive to share with _normal_ people like her. And classified sometimes just means he had to kill someone and doesn’t want talk about it.

She closes her eyes. She’s at this party, and she may as well try to enjoy it. After all, it’s partially for her. Her, Ron, Drakken, and Shego. The heroes who saved the entire fucking planet. Everyone just keeps throwing parties for them, and Kim is so tired of it, and she wishes she was old enough to drink because she could seriously use a drink to get through this. Or three. Or five.

Unfortunately, there’s no polite way for her to leave anytime soon. They can’t leave until all of them get recognized by — whoever this is. She can’t be bothered to keep it straight anymore. And since she’s the first one here, and who knows how long it will take for Ron to show up, she’s stuck for a while. Fortunately, she’s only been there for a few minutes when Drakken and Shego show up. Shego sits next to her and Drakken sits next to Shego. She prefers it that way, because Drakken is nice enough now, but she doesn’t need to listen to him ramble about whatever he’s been working on.

Her and Shego eye each other in silence. Sure, they’re not technically enemies anymore, but when you get in the habit of looking at someone like that, it’s kinda hard to fall out of it. So they both look at each other like threats every fucking time and sometimes it really fucking sucks. Like right now when she just wants to be home with Ron, or maybe without Ron, or really anywhere but here.

Kim sighs and says, “We could try talking for once.”

“How’s the college search?” Shego smirks when she says it, but it looks tired, and Kim thinks that maybe she’s not the only one that’s done with this shit.

She rolls her eyes. “How’s the job search?”

This is their routine. Every time they end up at one of these dinners, Kim asks about the jobs Shego isn’t applying for, and Shego asks about the colleges Kim isn’t applying to. She really doesn’t need the reminder this week though, not when she spent three fucking hours getting lectured by her parents this morning about _wasting her life_. And four days ago, she found out that the government in six states had stopped working on the trains because there’s no more money. So maybe building houses would’ve been the better choice. But now people are just stuck in tents without money and they’re asking her for some kind of miracle that _she doesn’t have._ And yesterday she found out that three kids were dead, even though she’d just seen them two months ago. And sure, plenty of people have died, but she can still see their smiles and they wanted to be astronauts and teachers and doctors, and their parents’ eyes were so empty when they told her. She’d thought she was too numb to feel anything, but clearly she was wrong because she’d never imagined _this_ before. So yeah, she really doesn’t need to hear this from Shego right now.

So of course, Shego asks, “Where’s the boyfriend tonight?”

Before Kim can answer, Drakken comes back, carrying some sort of drink that Shego probably asked for when Kim was thinking about dead children. She has no idea what’s in it, but it’s an interesting shade of red. Shego takes it from him, but before she can take a sip, Kim snatches it from her hand. Usually she can grit her teeth and get through these things, but tonight she really can’t. Not with everything that’s happened this week. So she takes a big sip of Shego’s drink and sets it down on the table between them.

She expects Shego to be angry, but the other woman just leans back in her chair and looks at her with new appreciation. Drakken whispers, “Erm, Shego, isn’t she too young to—”

“Zip it Doc. But he’s right Kimmie. Didn’t peg you as one to break the law.”

Kim shrugs. She really doesn’t want to talk about this with Shego. A year ago, Shego would’ve mocked her for it, no doubt. But there’s that same tiredness that Kim is feeling, like it’s not worth the effort to even bring it up. Kim realizes that it’s been over a month since they were at one of these things, and things have only gotten worse for her. For Shego too, apparently.

Her phone vibrates, and she picks it up reluctantly, already knowing what’s coming. Unsurprisingly, it’s from Ron. _Stuck overnight, won’t be able to make it._ It’s short and to the point and it’s so fucking stupid that she still cares. They talked about this so many times. About him backing out of shit at the last minute and leaving her to clean up the messes, like she does now. She walks up to the organizers and tell them that _Sorry, tonight’s hero won’t be coming but you still have three consolation prizes_. It makes her feel like shit, and when she sits down, she takes another sip of Shego’s drink and the other woman doesn’t protest.

A few minutes later, she goes to the bathroom because if she cries, she at least wants to be somewhere private, where people won’t see her and she can fix her makeup if she has to. When she gets back to the table, there’s a drink sitting in front of her seat. She looks at Shego, expecting an explanation.

The other woman just shrugs. “I got tired of you stealing mine.”

They don’t talk anymore, but Kim has two drinks before the speeches start. She’s tempted to ask Shego to get her a third, but that would be rude in the middle of speeches. Even consolation prize heroes can’t do that. When the time comes, they all walk up to the podium and smile and let people take their pictures, and a few minutes later they sit back down. Drakken immediately starts talking to some scientist who Kim is pretty sure she should care about, but her and Shego just sit in silence again.

“Can you get me another drink? Please?”

“How 'bout we get drunk somewhere else?” And that sounds amazing, even if it’s with Shego, but she knows she can’t afford it. She says so, and Shego barely catches herself before she laughs. “I have alcohol at my place.”

And Kim knows she probably shouldn’t go to Shego’s apartment to get drunk, but it’s better than doing it alone in her apartment while Ron is off working or sleeping with someone else and— Shit, she really thought she was too numb to feel anything. But the faces of those three kids swim in front of her, and she just wants another drink.

So her and Shego go to some super fancy apartment building downtown. Kim says, “Living here must be expensive,” before she remembers that she’s talking to a professional thief who can probably afford to live anywhere she wants.

Shego laughs. “Princess, I own the entire goddamn building. The apartment is free.”

“Oh.”

The ride up to the apartment is silent. Even the elevator doesn’t make any noise when the doors slide open. Shego’s apartment is large and open and beautiful and Kim just stands there awkwardly while Shego gets a drink. She’s afraid to touch anything. Everything in this place is expensive and precise, and she would feel bad if she moved anything out of place.

Shego comes back with a drink and Kim doesn’t even ask what it is before she takes it. It’s not like she knows the names of drinks anyway, she just takes whatever alcohol she has and mixes it with something that doesn’t sound awful. This one is brown, the same color as iced tea. Shego watches her carefully while she drinks it, only taking a few sips of her own drink. When Kim finishes and sets her cup down, Shego takes a couple steps towards her, puts her hands on her hips, and kisses her.

_Oh._

Shego’s arms slide around her waist, press into the small of her back, pull her closer. Kim knows where this could lead, can tell from the way Shego is kissing her. But when the other woman licks into her mouth, Kim feels something. Maybe it’s because of those three dead kids breaking down her walls, or maybe it’s just Shego, but Kim really _feels_ for the first time in months. So she kisses back, really hard. One of Shego’s hands catches her hair, pulls, and it _hurts_ and it’s okay because she needs the pain too. She grips Shego’s arms, possibly hard enough to bruise, but the other woman doesn’t complain either.

Kim remembers that Shego is just as tired as she is. That she’s trying to hide just as much emptiness. Both of them need this. Need to feel something _real_ , pleasure or pain or both, and this is fastest way to do it. When Shego’s hands slide under Kim’s thighs, Kim knows she should push her away. She should leave. She most certainly should _not_ wrap her legs around Shego’s waist and let the other woman slam her against a wall. But later she’ll be able to blame the alcohol, and right now she’s wrapped up in these feelings, and she’s not sure if she could even force herself to stop. She ignores any consequences, any future regrets. She just leans further and further into this feeling, into Shego.

She can’t remember the last time she felt so much.

**Author's Note:**

> Possibly tbc? Probably not


End file.
